Dr. Ando's Answer

Posted on 02/24/2009 at 05:48 pm PST

Dear mynerdgirl,

Go you for having orgasms!

There are a few different approaches for this.  To start out, go ahead and tell your guy you only orgasm when you masturbate.  Explain to him that it's not him, nor is there anything wrong with you at all.  Bodies are all sorts of different and it is entirely normal for you to have orgasms only from masturbation.  Some people can only orgasm when their bodies are in certain positions.  Our brains can wire our body to a particular sensation for orgasms and altering that may take some time.  You'll probably always be able to orgasm most easily when you masturbate, but it is entirely possible to program additional methods into your brain and body.  Age and/or experience seem to have a role in this, but don't be concerned about that either way.  There's no "right" way to have orgasms.  For a fascinating take on orgasms, check out Annie Sprinkle's Amazing World of Orgasm (http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/shoppe/index1.html#awoo).  My favorite is the laughgasm. 

As I go on from here, I'm making the assumption that you want to have orgasms from penetration, email me if I'm wrong and I'll make additional comments.  I'm here each week.

Options.  Can you orgasm if you're masturbating with him near you?  Ask to share your masturbation with him.  Have him watch what you're doing, then teach him to masturbate you as well.  Try out the different sensations between his hands and his mouth/tongue.  You offer a trade of sorts, spend one evening where you're both focused on exploring you and your pleasure, then another where you explore his body and other kinds of touch he likes.  Have it clear that you can ask for what you want and get it with affection and understanding (though no one has to do anything they don't want to do).  Have whatever conversations you need beforehand to insure that his ego is not attached to the outcome.  You don't need any goals or objectives - enjoy each other.

When you're masturbating by yourself, observe what you're doing that might be different when you're with someone else.  Are you able to relax more?  Fantasize more easily?  Break out the toys?  See how much you can consciously bring about when you're with your guy. 

If you're masturbating using clitoral stimulation, add in masturbating yourself during sex and see how that works.

It's possible you have a very specific way of masturbating as well that might make orgasms from penetration awkward, such as pressing really hard or fast on your clit, using your abdominal and pelvic muscles to bear down, or particular body positioning (legs together, straight out, toes pointed or flexed).  Take note of a few of these, then practice altering them, one by one.  Get out your hottest porn and fantasies and masturbate while sitting up.  Or use your other hand.  Or try different pressure.  If you've found that movement in your vagina is distracting you from orgasming, start out with a finger or small dildo just resting inside of your vagina, get comfortable orgasming that way, then start increasing the size and adding movement.

There is no timeline associated with how your body is going to respond to deliberate efforts.  In any case, practice practice practice! ;)

Cheers!

Dr. Ando