Dr. Ando's Answer

Posted on 03/31/2009 at 06:48 pm PST

Dear mynerdgirl,

Honestly, this is something that requires a bit more than a one-letter response will be able to handle.  There are quite a few questions that I'd have to ask before answering, but I think it will have to come out when she goes to counseling or therapy.  If it's been 3 years since it happened, it sounds like she'll need an outsider's help to get unstuck and be able to move on.  I posted an answer to a question on 1/27/09 which has some suggestions on finding a counselor, therapist, or coach. 

Ways to get her in therapy: see if she wants you to go with her or if she'd like another friend to go with her instead (if this is the case, it's about her healing process, so don't take offense to it); offer to help her find a counselor/therapist; check in with her about how she's feeling and find out what a "whole" her looks like and if she's ready to become that.  Refrain from making her rape the focus of your conversations and keep hanging out and enjoying each other's company. 

Another difficult edge to ride is how to take care of yourself while she goes through her recovery process.  It could be upsetting for her and bring up negative associations if you push for physical intimacy, but it can also feel lonely for you to be taking care of her emotional state when they're less able to reciprocate.  Communicate to her what your desires are, but also make it clear that you're not pressuring her to do anything by informing her about how you feel.  Ask if she'd like to get more intimate with you, and if so, find out her ideas as to how you can both get there.  Allow her to make those choices and decisions for herself, so she can take things as far as she's comfortable at a pace that works for her.

There's always the possibility she just doesn't want to go any further right now.  I'm certainly not going to suggest you break up with her because she's not going to put out (and I'm dead serious about this - I'm not suggesting that) however, see if each of you actually want a physically intimate relationship with each other.  It may be that until she can face and move through her experience of being raped that she needs you more as a friend than a lover.  Wonderful, supportive, and loving relationships take have many forms and often change over time.

I'm sorry to hear she was raped and I feel for each of you, to potentially have to go through raw and vulnerable feelings because of it.  Best of luck to you both!

Cheers!

Dr. Ando