mynerdgirl
Orange, CA
mynerdgirl asked:
Dear Dr. Ando, A few months ago I got involved with someone who told me up front that he was living a polyamorous lifestyle. I've never been one to question the way a person lives so long as they are being responsible about it. At first I was ok with it. Now it's starting to trigger insecurities that I never had before an ex of mine did some very horrible things. I thought maybe this would be a good step for me to grow past my insecurities. He is honest about his activities which have been, up to now, minimal. He has confessed also that he is in love with me. I'm not sure where I am about that yet, but I am realizing that I am far to insecure for his lifestyle. I don't feel that this is a jealousy issue. In fact, i don't think it's about him at all. I know it's more about my self worth. I don't want him to change his lifestyle just because I have petty insecurity issues, but I'm finding it more difficult to be ok about it. I have started to share these feelings with him because he insists on knowing my feelings about everything. I know that he cares. Unfortunately that does nothing to ease my overwheling discomfort. There are many things that I am experiencing with this relationship that I want to experience, maybe even need to experience beyond overcoming my insecurities. I see my emotional reactions to this as weak, almost pathetic. I wasn't this way before my crazy ex did the things he did and he did those things many years ago. What can I do to overcome these emotional reactions other than fight through them?
Dr. Ando's Answer
Posted on 05/02/2009 at 05:20 pm PST
Dear mynerdgirl,
It sounds like a bit of a rough spot for you. I'm glad to hear that he honestly cares about you, communicates honestly with you, and that you're opening up to him about your concerns. Polyamory has as many variations as there are people, and even among
monogamous relationships, the participants make compromises for the
maximum benefit of everyone involved (ideally). It sounds like you're
on track so far, in that you don't want to limit him and realize that
you're being triggered by things that were not his fault. It takes a lot of self-examination and communication for poly relationships to work.
In your letter, I'm noticing you're rather harsh on yourself, describing your reactions as weak or pathetic. Something you might consider trying that may seem counterintuitive, is acknowledging your reactions as yours and accepting them, rather than trying to fight through them. Accepting them does not have to mean defeat. It can mean you seeing your self for more than you've wanted to or known about before and enables you to see how much personal strength you can draw from knowing your self (weaknesses, strengths, jealousies, love, and all).
Supressing fears and parts of ourselves can be destructive and scary, because you don't know what is hidden in those dark corners of your brain. Homophobia, and really, most fears against subgroups are based around fear of the unknown. Many sensitivity training classes are built around bringing in members of the "unknown" subgroup to talk about their experiences, both as human beings and as a part of the subgroup. It is meant to normalize the group or behavior, reduce fear, and develop more understanding. This comparison might sound like a bit of a tangent, but I'm hearing you trying to separate yourself from your emotions, as if they're an entity that you can kill off or push away. I suggest going to a counselor or relationship coach for specific suggestions - it's a bit more process than a weekly column can handle. If you don't go to a coach/counselor for whatever reasons, keep a diary so you can watch for patterns and gauge how you think and feel over time.
Building up self worth, especially after feeling stomped on by someone else, can be really rough. Doing it within the context of a relationship where your partner is seeing other people makes it a double whammy. You have several different options and you're the only one who can choose the best one(s).
1. You can insist that everything will be ok and he can act on his poly inclinations, force your way through it, and hope that it gets better. (This tends to implode in spectacularly painful ways)
2. You can end the romantic part of your relationship work on it alone. (Some might see this as ideal, I see it as unrealistic, an unlikely path for most people)
3. You can ask him to wait on acting on his poly desires for a little while and be your companion in learning to accept (and eventually love) yourself. To be fair to him if you take this option, you might consider setting a tentative time frame to work on yourself before he dates other people, or set a new time line.
Personally, I'm a fan of #3. It sounds like you really like this one and he wants to be a beneficial part of your life. There's always the possibility it won't work out - poly isn't for everyone, but take it slow and be honest with yourself and him. This isn't something you need to feel ashamed about, it doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're wrong. It's ok to (as in, please do!) ask for support and love from him and your friends in learning how entirely worthy you are to be happy, and be in relationships that enrich your life.
Cheers!
Dr. Ando
