mynerdgirl
Orange, CA
mynerdgirl asked:
Dear Dr. Ando I have been hanging out with a girl that I really like, we have alot of common interests and have made it very clear that we find each other physically attractive. I'm rather shy but she's very outgoing and not afraid to show affection by hugging me, laying against me and even giving my backside a grab. This wouldnt be a problem if she didnt have a boyfriend. Im not one to try to split people up, but I can only hold back so much. So after allowing her to be the "aggressive one" I try to hold her hand and she thinks that it is going too far. Is she simply just being friendly or is she giving me mixed signals? What would you recommend I do? I really like her and would love to have a relationship, but I dont want to ruin the friendship we have and also obviously step on the toes of her boyfriend.
Dr. Ando's Answer
Posted on 05/13/2009 at 10:11 pm PST
Dear mynerdgirl,
Er... sorry about the formatted mynerdgirl, since it sounds like you're a guy. So, here's to you, nerdguy.
Anyway. I couldn't say from my point of view what exactly she thinks she's doing, but either way, it does sound confusing. Here's a point in your life where you get to "do the right thing." Talk with her. Ask if she's being friendly or if she's flirting with you.
If she's just being friendly, you can let her know that it means more to you than it may mean to her. She might just feel comfortable with you and enjoy your physical contact. It wouldn't be very nice of her to continue teasing you, but you can't control other people's behaviors. Hopefully, she doesn't want to ruin the friendship either and can either hold back on the physical affection so you don't continue to get the wrong message, or you can both come to an understanding about what your friendship is and is not. Also, if she's just being friendly and you're comfortable with that, you both might decide that the current level of affection is alright, but you'll have a clearer idea of what it means to each of you.
If she's flirting with you, you have two choices. You can act with integrity and ask her to stop (or have a clear arrangement with her boyfriend that it's ok for her to date you) or you can keep flirting with her with the hopes of more. Having seen a fair share of relationships that start out like this, I have to say sometimes they honestly work out where the second guy actually is the love of her life and the relationship changes over with relatively little pain. This is a rare thing, and it still sucks, because someone is getting jerked around in a dishonest way (sometimes it's the other guy, sometimes it's you). More often, a lot of damage and sadness could have been avoided if the parties involved had the nerve to say something and deal with the issue openly, or for the first relationship to come to its natural conclusion before starting the second relationship.
I'm sorry to hear that a girl you really like is unavailable. It can be a frustrating thing, especially when they like you back. It's your integrity and your heart, try not to break either.
Cheers!
Dr. Ando
