mynerdgirl
Orange, CA
mynerdgirl asked:
Dear Dr. Ando, I am a bi-sexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a man. I love my guy and have no desire to be with another man. However, It has been a while since I have been with a girl and I still have strong urges to be with a sexy woman. Most of my sexual fantasies involve being with woman or being in a threesome with my man and a woman. My question is how do I go about finding a woman who would want to have a threesome with my guy and me? How do I know if a girl is into this type of thing without embarrassing myself or losing a good friend? If I do find such a girl what are some of the possible issues that I need to consider? I have never been one for sleeping around with many partners and enjoy close intimate relationships. Therefore, I would love to have the best of both worlds (A committed relationship with one man and one woman.) But, I am not sure what the relationship would need to be like between my guy and new girl for this to work out. Is this an unusual set up? I have never met anyone with this type of relationship before. Do these types of relationships ever work out? Do bi-sexual girls have to choose? Sincerely, Want my cake and eat it too
Dr. Ando's Answer
Posted on 08/04/2008 at 11:44 am PST
Dear mynerdgirl,
I like how you've thought through your questions to this point.
You've actually asked about quite a bit. So, short answer "yes" with an "if", long answer, "no" with a "but". (brownie points to those who get the reference)
No, bisexual (or any other orientations) people do not have to choose. Yes, people do have successful loving and sexual relationships with multiple partners. Common terms are "open relationships" or "polyamory." These relationships are probably more common than you think, but because multiple partners are generally seen as a negative, it isn't talked about as often as standard 1 male+1 female relationships. They're the same as two-person relationships, just with more planning, communication, and negotiation. Choosing to step outside an accepted social norm is a bold step. It's not for everyone, but when it does work out, it can be a wonderful and rewarding experience.
One of the potential joys about starting discussions to open up your relationship is deliberate discussions of what you both want out of the relationship. Before going and looking for a suitable girl, talk over some guidelines with your boyfriend beforehand. Questions to ask yourselves: What are deal breakers for you and for your partners? What do you want out of it, what does he want out of it? Will she spend nights over, and if so, on your bed or the couch? Can she do things with him if you're not there? Can you do things with her if he's not there? What are the boundaries of the relationships? If you and her hit it off really well, does he need to have a relationship with her, or would a respectful relationship between them be acceptable? Does he get to date multiple people too? Stick with theguidelines and talk over changes before doing something new.
Going about finding the other for a threesome is pretty similar to finding a girlfriend/boyfriend or a one night stand. You'll find them at bars, sporting activities, online, parties, you know the drill. Know what you want, be honest about what you're offering, and tell them what you want. If you just want her for a one night stand with you and your boyfriend, make sure she knows that. Needs and desires can always change and be discussed as they move along, but having the big things out in the open up front will make for better long-term arrangements. Honesty in sex and relationships can be refreshingly sexy. If someone is put off that you want your boyfriend involved, then let them go. Something else that you might try is having your boyfriend flirt with girls on your behalf. There are people out there that are interested in everything, just have the patience to weed through ones that aren't into what you're offering.
Ways to suggest threesome action with a friend without getting embarrassed depends on the friend and you. I wish I could give some broad recommendations, but I've seen the incredibly awkward scenario of three friends sitting in the bed and the boyfriend says, "I think you two should kiss!" or "Let's all trade massages!" work more often than one might think it should. Hilarious, goofy, and lame, sometimes oddly effective. Try bringing up your interest in girls and opening up your relationship as casual conversation topics with friends you might be interested in. Check to see their own responses, if they're curious, interested, confused, or more. Let it drop if no one is picking up on it. Try not to get so drunk that no one remembers what happened :
This may take some practice and multiple false starts before you find a groove. Stay flexible and forgiving of each other. Just because one open relationship ends doesn't mean the concept is fundamentally weaker than a monogamous relationship. If you do start noticing failure patterns, list them out and examine the causes.
This is something that will likely take more discussion and personal insight between you and your partner than I can offer in one email response. Some other resources that you can read about are: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt or Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships by Wendy-O Matik.
Cheers!
Dr. Ando
