mynerdgirl
Orange, CA
mynerdgirl asked:
Dear Dr. Ando, I don't know if this is quite your area of expertise but I thought you might have some insight. Two years ago this Christmas, I broke up with my very abusive ex-boyfriend. Along with being abusive he lied constantly and his infidelity knew no bounds. Since then I have only dated casually and have felt great. I know I haven't quite dealt with what happened but it wasn't affecting my relationships until now. A few months ago I started seeing someone new. He's very sweet and patient. He knows what I went through and wants to be there for me. The problem I am running into now is that all of the paranoia and insecurities I felt with my ex are creeping in. He has given me no real reasons to respond to him in such a way but my mind now seems to go to the worst places. I was never insecure before my ex. I was always quite secure in my relationships. I know counseling is a good idea so my question is what sort of counselor should I look for? (A psychologist, psychoanalyst, therapist, etc...) Thank you for taking the time to read. ~Clueless About Counseling
Dr. Ando's Answer
Posted on 01/27/2009 at 10:23 am PST
Dear mynerdgirl,
Ouch. I'm sorry to hear you were in such a crappy relationship. Congratulations on getting out of it and finding someone sweet!
Finding a good counselor or therapist can be a challenge. This means finding someone within a reasonable commute, that you feel you can tell anything (if you feel like you have to hide anything, find someone else), and someone affordable.
Your learning style and goals will play into selecting the appropriate provider. If you like a team dynamic, sort of an ongoing goal-oriented exchange, then you might look for a relationship coach. Coaches have been increasing in popularity over the past 10 years or so and have a few different certifications (International Coach Federation, International Association of Coaching, etc.). Their approach is oriented toward the future, so most of your energy will be used on how to feel more secure, rather than why or how things happened in the past. However, coaches only go through a training process of about 6-8 months on average. This would be someone with an outside perspective and different tools you may use, but is not necessarily a relationship expert. It's like having a best buddy completely focused on you and your goals for a prearranged set time each week.
If you'd prefer to delve into your head, find out parts of your inner workings and what might have fed into your current feelings, therapy might be the way for you. You may come across a whole rash of facets of yourself to explore. Therapists tend to be doctorate level in training.
Counseling is generally somewhere in between therapy and coaching. There is more goal-orientation than therapy and you work through more of your past. Counselors tend to have a master's level of training. Another option is to start with therapy or counseling to address past issues, then go to a coach for specific suggestions to move forward.
If you think it would be a helpful part of the process, feel free to ask your provider if you can bring your new partner in for a few sessions. You may find his participation helps with your healing process.
If you work for a corporate company, hospital, or attend school full-time, it's likely you have access to free or reduced cost counseling. In L.A., an example of some resources can be found at: http://www.msmc.la.edu/pages/542.asp
Searches for "low fee" and "sliding scale" will also be helpful in finding someone appropriate.
As a final note, counseling and therapy aren't just for times of personal crisis. It can be great for personal growth and learning about yourself and the way you interact with the world around you. Therapy students are often told to go through therapy themselves so they can work on their own issues before working with other people's. If you have the time and means, go for it!
Best of luck to you.
Cheers!
Dr. Ando
